Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Finally Stat's project & presentation is over...
I felt that i didn't do s well...
Cld hear myself s being nervous..
But oh wells... I've got stage fright wad...
Yes i know there's no stage there....
BUT i'm still scared...
Wasn't feeling well this morning...
& did not go to school...
Took a panadol, rested...
Woke up at 1000 again & get ready for school...
Walked to school...
Cldn't breathe... Was quite scared i would lyk black out halfway...
Didn't wanna take cab cuz i'm officially broke...
Just super reluctant to spend any money...
Went to South Canteen & Connie asked why am i so pale...
The whole group said i looked pale...
& i got scared...
After that saw the girls wrestle & i started laughing at Connie cuz of her funny facial expressions...
I got scared again...
Cuz i had difficulty breathing again..
Sighs...
Dunnoe wads wrong...
Maybe lyk wad Tess say... Mayb cuz i'm gg to fall sick... & everything just isn't right...
Oh wells...
After school had lyk long chat...
Planned out all our group meetings for project...
& there was a crisis...
So horrible lah...
It sucks being the bad guy...
But think abt it...
WORK is WORK & FRIENDSHIP is FRIENDSHIP...You reallycan't lump them together can you...
My results are at stake...
I'm here to get a good diploma & move on...
Not here to be Sharity elephant...
Though i know that statement is mean lah...
But its a true society...
I admit, i'm selfish...
But if you're not willing to change, there's nothing i can do....
I'm waiting to see you change before i will stand by you..
But everything is just for the sake of a project...
Really... nothing else...
Had many thought running through my head...
Was wondering how selfish can mankind be...
Brian asked me in the afternoon...
When i tld him tt i wasn't feeling well this morning, "why didn't you tell me"
Idunnoe...
Cuz i didn't even hear from you after lyk 2000...
Wad can i do...
No phone call, no msges...
So i never tell...
Msges came in this morning...
I replied once, you replied & i replied...
& after that there was none till i call you...
How to tell...
It was after that conversation...
That i thought during excel class...
Abt how selfish human beings are...
& alot of other stuff....
Oh wells...
That's mankind i guess...
**I'll just have to learn how to be by myself now****Just in case no1 cares****At least i know i wldn't die**
**No 1st calls from him every night**
**I have to make the calls first****No 1st msges of the day****I have to msg first****I dunnoe where we are heading**
**Good or bad**
**You decide****I'm lost**
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Its so amazing how fast you can get things done if you want it done...
My stats project begin on monday (yesterday) & its 95% done today...
Haha...
Project with Sean, Kelly & Li Juan is super fun too...
The way we split up to do our project cuz we know tt time is running out...
& how we actually pushed the toughest part to Sean...
-How interesting-
=)
1st Mrs Nair's class after the hols was just fun all over again..
I dunnoe how the class guys & her does it...
But they are doing a good job in bringing joy to the class...
Haha...
tt's the nice part..
& So much for laughter...
I'm starting to know my classmates...
Rather a few of them...
Can laugh about common things...
Which is something good...
There isn't an entry that doesn't have anything bad on my blog.. but oh wells.. All i did was voice up opinions. Mayb i'm too sensitive. But its seriously painful to hear some1 you love using a harsh tone on you everytime things dun go his way. oh wells. mayb i'm just sensitive. but i had it ever since i was a samll girl. But who knows. Everytime i say something wrong, tt's it, i get scolded. Why doesn't any1 talk to me nicely. Nobody understand how i really feel. Dun need to tell me that you understand or you all understand, cuz you guys dun. I've lost my sense of security. Am i going to lose more?
**Who understands how i really feel**
**Mayb its just my state of mind**
**But really**
**Who knows**
**May the beautiful days comes after a downpour**
**May the sun shine after the rain falls**
Monday, June 23, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
So 1st day of school of the 2nd term of school...
Which means 7 weeks more till the end of Year 1 Sem 1...
Pretty fast uh...
Hahha...
How time flies...
Realised i enjoyed school this semester...
Ignore the projects...
-Which isn't as many as in ECH-
So pretty good...
Hols was spent meeting up with Marketing project mates & doing project...
Hardly really had much time for myself...
But at least there was a break...
Its much more relaxing without a CCA & you really enjoy what you're doing...
With school much closer to home...
School was a little hectic today..
Rushed Stats project for it is due on Thursday...
Man.. I'm starting to panic...
But oh wells...
Yi Mei was funny...
Hhaha...
She typed on my analysis screen of Stats Project with her qns she wanted to ask...
Hahha...
She's hilarious...
Oh wells..
She just made me laugh...
-Thanks for helping me destress a little by making me laugh-
Brian surprised me in the middle of econs lect saying tt he will come down to find me...
So ya...
Hahha...
After that we went grocery shopping...
Eczema acting up agn...
So i bought plasters...
=(
So much for inflation...
$50 bought me nothing much....
Damn...
=(
Oh wells...
Nationals is this coming sat...
I feel lyk being part of the competitors on the dance floor...
But not gg to be so soon...
I'm happy the way it is now...
At least i get to dance....
I just can't wait till i grad from NYP...
Den DANCE, here i come...
=)
**1st day of school****Hope new things & good things happen****I hope to discover more****Mother Mary, help me...**
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
2 days of not meeting..
2 days of not talking on the phone...
2 days of not having any affection shown...
2 days of nothing from either of us...
After 2 days...
I got...
Silence...
Coldness...
Irritated answer at the hospital saying that you're fine...
Being ignored....
NO affection...
Not even a smile...
I tried...
I'm happy to hear your voice..
To meet you...
But you somehow dun seem to feel the same way that i feel...
I've always been trying to save us...
There's so many things that you promised...
There's so many things i'm waiting for it to happen...
I never push...
I dunnoe...
If i'm irritating i'll leave...
But time & time again you tell me that you still love me...
So wad am i suppose to believe...
I'm lost...
I haven't been eating cuz i'm too occupied with my own thoughts & have lost my appetite...
Walking away & ignoring me is what you do best...
I always feel that you've lost feelings for me...
I feel lyk i'm chasing & chasing...
The msg...
"its alw abt you when we're together.. I feel lyk a slave, a pet"I dunnoe how to answer...
nothing is running through my mind...
I'm lost...
Stranded...
its abt me...
no1 gives me any direction for any time...
Everything is last min...
you dun even bother communicating with me...
"I'm insignificant, unimportant & simply belittled"What abt me...
I'm sorry i dun care...
I'm sorry i put you down...
I'm sorry that i treat you the way you feel...
Nothing i say now is gg to change anything...
Its all abt me...
Its all abt making me feel happy...
Its all Clarissa says, Clarissa says...
never once you say...
I'm unappreciative...
I alwas interrupt your sentences...
I alw put you down...
Dun i get put down by you too...
OKie...
I know i've got thick skin & i can take it...
I know that you're not me...
Its all me.... Its all abt me...
I'm unappreciative...
I'm demanding...
I expect pple to be there whenever i need them...
I make use of pple...
I manipulate pple...
Just add to the list...
Its okie...
Wad else can i say...
When i ask you what's wrong...
You'll never say...
Its all my fault...
ITS ALL ME... ITS ALL MY FAULT!!!
Previously you said that you feel that i can live w/o you...
Now i feel that you'll be happier w/o me...
You always wanted to be part of my life... Previously...
Now...
I'm not even included in anybody's life...
Nothing is shared with me...
No thoughts, no plans, nothing...
I shldn't complain...
I complain & i'm causing another person's hurt...
I shld just leave the world...
I shld shut out from evey1...
**What am i???****Who am i???****Am i significant in any1's life???****Shld i stay on****Shld i disppear****Which shld it be**
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Its finally sunday...
It's beena busy, good & not so good week...
=)
My god bro's in NS...
1 person less to hear my complains...
I miss him though...
Mummy & god ma miss him s much too...
Anyway...
Last day of the seminar was not that good, but good...
I still had to scold the children...
But s different indivudals, they are loveable creatures...
Rashida, 1 of our trainers got her fingers injured while seperating the rooms with the sliding doors...
I'm still wonderign who's fault it is...
e 2 underage boys say its my fault...
But somehow i feel it isn't...
Oh well...I've already said my apology to her & gave her my hugs...
Went shopping yest w Brian...
Objective: was to get either a pair of kitten heels for presentation or get my blouse for presentation
Result: saw a pair of nice flats that i can wear for presentation & bought a shirt from G2000
=)
Last night we went down to tenzeeng & Rashida's work place...
Its a nice bar in Chinatown...
Haha...
It's quite funny...
Brian & i were there really early...
We ended up walking around & we were still early & waiting for the rest to come...
Anyway..
We went up to the rooftop when every1 came...
& haha...
Saw tenzeeng & had our drinks...
I broke my own record of having 1 drink a day...
I had 3 drinks last night...
I had a lycheetini, a cosmopolitan
(is tt how you spell it) & another drink tt tenzeeng fixed for me
(a drink tt i had no idea abt)...Haha...
But all 3 drinks were nice...
& silly brian broke 1 of the glass...
-umph-So silly...
Trouble pple...
Hhah...
But oh wells...
The nicest part of the night was tt all our drinks were on the house...
I was shocked...
-Thanks Tenzeeng & Rashida-We were lyk all prepared to pay & all...
I'm gg to bring pple there soon...
Cuz its a nice place to relax..
& the drinks are nice...
According to brian better den loof...
So ya...
=)
**A weeks hols are over****What have i really done****Projects submission are due soon****sighs**
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Hols are here...
My 1st term in NYP has officially ended...
Quite happy abt it...
Found the lovely girls...
Projects have to be done during these hols...
=(
Not tt many lah...
Just 3 i guess...
hmmmm....
Mayb 4???
The more urgent ones are lyk...
Stats & marketing & eng...
1st week of hols is coming to an end...
Had to spend this entire week working...
At leasti've got money to pay bills & have pocket money...
The faster i clear my bills...
The faster i can return money to lenny...
Haiz...
Oh wells...
Money issue...
Its never ending...
Anway...
Today i nearly died at the seminar...
I never scold any children at any seminar...
But today was a total exception...
The children were all restless & noisy...
There were fights, complains, argument...
1 of them even got injured when playing which ended up fighting...
1 girl cried cuz 1 of the boys pointed his middle finger at her & called her names...
Its just so terrible...
None of them were cooperative...
It was just very terrible...
Yest waas just upseting..
I was upset...
Tld him that i was upset...
He asked why...
I didn't want to say... & he asked why again..
So i tld him in the end..
& it didn't end up well again...
Guess i shld just stick to my first words...
Haiz...
Quite upsetting lah...
Haven't really gotten over it...
but what else can i do...
**Who bothers abt what i think****Why shld i even say it out****Nothing matters anyway**
**Its all about me**
Friday, June 06, 2008
Friday, June 06, 2008
So much for the 5th of June 08...
Pretty much a not ver pleasant day...
I woke up late in the morning...
Went to school feeling terrible cuz i spent money on cab to school cuz i was late...
Went to class w/o a laptop cuz my laptop is breaking down...
Had to disturb pple beside me with templates & wad not...
Had nothing to show Mrs Nair...
Receive the 2 worst msg of the day... Both from the same person... After the 2 worst msg came other msges asking me to study... None was how am i, etc...Oh wells...
Had to print my stuff cuz i wasn't meeting him at all...
realised that something was wrong with my thumbdrive...
Went high & low trying to get my stuff printed...
Realised i'm doing things last min which isn't my style of working...
Had to print it today cuz my printer is out of ink & i'm low or rather extremely low on cash...
Didn't feel happy at all the entire day & who cared...Came home...
Slpt...
Cuz was really tired...
Woke up at 6pm... wanted to start doing work but saw a msg from the same person that irritated me made me feel worst... Called & no1 picked up... Received 7 missed calls... didn't want to pick up... Cuz tt's wad he alw do when he's not happy anw... called my hse & i asked shaina to say i was slping... had nothing to say & didn't want to talk...Thumbdrive is corrupted...
Lost all my documents from the starting of semester tillnow...
felt lyk breaking down but didn't know how to...
Cuz my emotions are all messed up...
Words of comfort came from connie... Thanks girl...
Bottom line is nothing made me feel good today...
Not 1 single sweet msg... So much for a 16th month anniversary...Everyone is class is stressed out from studying for test...
never really bother them...
So much for being an emotional support...
Ahr...
Had a conversation with chui ling jie jie...
Her word of advice made me think carefully abt my future...
I understnad where she's coming from...
& at the end of the day its y choice...
She didn't scold me when i tld her i changed school...
My God bro called oso...
He's words were encouraging too...
thank...
At least tt's the minor part of the day...
Majority of the day is horrendous...
right till now...
**Support is all i want from you****Not asking me to study****Mayb i'm expecting too much****I feel lyk breaking down****But i can't**
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
1st term of school is coming to an end this friday...time is flying by really quickly...Oh wells...Lyk my heading say, what do i know & what do i want???We're gg to walk into our 16th month..Tt's 1 yr & 4 months...It may seem lyk a long time...But how much do i know of him...How much does he know abt me...I can't expect much...Lyk wad my mum usually say...Once you have high expectations, when thngs dun go well, you'll fall & hurt yourself badly...Haiz...Sometimes its not abt expectations...When i have things to say, does anyone listen???Does anyone bother???I worry that i'm a burden to people...I think i am...Sometimes i wonder why didn't i just went with what i had in mind in Dec...Mayb life would be better...I wouldn't be causing pple to be upset with me...Everything starts with me...Mayb i should not meet anyone, or do anything, & just be a nerd...go to school (cuz i have to) & go home...Everything i say i'llbe put down...Either by a scolding or some sort of sarcasm...Why pple can get upset & sulk & i can't...Why when i sulk & be upset pple leave me alone...Lyk i was telling him this afternoon, How fair is it???You can get upset & i cannot...You asked me once why i was upset, & i didn't answer cuz i was upset...& you just walked away...Hanging up, walking away...It is common..But why do i feel sad...What am i suppose to say when you asked me tt qns...Say i was upset.. Cuz you scolded me...Cuz i spend too much money...Cuz i have lots of financial difficulty & have to burden you with it too...I want alot of things...I'm trying to change my lifestyle...But who's giving me a chance...who's helping me...What do anyone know abt me...I'm tired of chasing...But yet i want it to NOT break down...**Wad am i to do****Hanging up, walking away****Mayb its just my retribution****I have no more expectations of myself & of anyone**
