什么是一切完美？
Can you answer that???

I always wanted a perfect life..
But that perfection became imperfect after daddy left...
Den i found that some1 whom i thought can return me my perfect life...
The one i thought was perfect for me in the midst of his imperfection...
But it seems lyk it pple dun see it that way...

I feel lost & lonely now with a big part of me gone...
I cry every night, but who knows...
I sound normal, but i'm not...
Who knows...

I dunnoe who i can turn to...
I dunnoe who understands how i feel...
I realise Clarissa has herself to know what she's thinking...

I regret lots of things...
I regret things i've said,
Things i've done...
Things i actually chose to believe...

Who am i???
What am i???

Why do i feel so lost & empty...
Why...
Why dun anyone understand me...

How many sorries must i say...
What must i do so that my mistakes mayb forgiven...

Clarissa,
everything is over...
between us is just 有缘无风分
My life practically revolves ard that 1 person...

He once said that now he feels alot better cuz he has more freedom & more of his space & he feels happy abt it...
I was upset...
Very upset...
But what can i say...
He has already stated his point that he is happy that he has what he wants...
Den i can only let it continue...

Part of me hate myself for allowing all these to happen...
But part of me say i deserve it...
i brought this upon myself...
I fell in love...
& this is the price to pay...

I'm so lost..
I dunnoe what to do,...
last night was extremely terrible...
I took out the box of memories...
Read it slowly...
Arrange them in accordance of date...
Tears just flow from my eyes...
It didn't stop...
Memories came back...
i knew from then on, its the end...

I was reminded time & time again, of facts...
Facts that would just tear me apart...

I dunnoe how to face it...













**What's wrong with you**
**You're never doing anything right**
**Clarissa, everything you do is wrong**
**Wake up**

Had Stats ICA 2 today...
Think the paper was pretty okie...
I didn't really know hot to do 1 qns out of 3...
I'm pretty happy...
Its 15% out of my entire module marks...
Which is a total of 100%..
50 marks..
15%...
hmm...
Little...

I'm sick...
Having fever...
The weather is just getting to me...
I'm affected by the weather & moods of pple...

You asked me why change now... What abt you... What do you even show concern now... Why wake me up... Why try finding out what's on my mind.. But everytime you try, did i ever reject you... Why must i get rejected... Everytime i try to be nicer, i get treated coldly... You asked why am i hostile... Wad abt you... i get screamed at... I get yelled at... My bad points are remembered... Even you do that to me.. What have i done wrong... Is it wrong to make ammendments... Clarissa its all your fault... You should be alone... Should not love any1...

I just realise what's the true meaning of being not appreciated...
Do you see what i'm doing...
Why can't you even try to accept changes...













**I hate it**
**I'm hostile**
**I should not try, cuz last time i did not even attempt**
**Clarissa go & die**

MacroEcons presentation is over today...
1 down...
Alot more to go...

The time after the presentation was the worst ever out of the entire day...
I think s a group, s friends, we would want to grow together & learn from each other...
Eventually the talk we had, seems to have no conclusion...

I'm very upset abt it...
I saw you cry...
I heard your piece...
I heard their piece...
You've heard mine...
But...
As a friend, we just want to know you better...

It was a bad time to talk abt it...
I've myself to blame for the terrible time chosen...
But i'm badly affected by what happened today..

The reason for the talk is to hold on to this friendship...
I have hopes & dreams abt us leaving poly together...
But i'm just damn scared it wldn't be lyk tt...

We've stated our points & our opinions...
We've also said that it is not a personal attack...
But i feel that its been taken s a personal attack...

Everyone makes mistakes...
But are we willing to change...
How are we to go abt changing...
No 1 is perfect...
We have to accept our friends for who they are...
I feel that we should help our friends improve...

I'm just super upset...
I dun want to feel s though i've wasted my time...
But 1/4 of me feels that way...
I'm just upset...

I dun want this friendship between you & us to end lyk tt...
But how...
How to save it back...
Whatever is done cannot be un-done...
What ever is said cannot be taken back...

The frustrating thing was that there wasn't a conclusion...
& its terrible to drag it on...
Cuz there isn't a conclusion to what is current...
& if anything happen later in the years,
it would just be escalated...
& things will be worst...

I dunnoe if pple see it lyk i do...
But i'm just badly affected...













**How do i save this**
**What are we suppose to do**
**How can i help you s a friend**
**Please let me know**

Presentation is tmr...
& i'm not even slping yet...
Rather i can't slp...
Tried closing my eyes & not thinking abt anything so that i can slp...
But sadly i can't...
Said my today's share of rosary...
Prayed for everyone ard me...
But i just can't slp...

Anyway,
I am in deep thought tonight...
Something got me real angry just now...
& something got me both upset & worried...

Seems lyk i'm drifting from my outside school friends...
I dunnoe wads happening...
My friends & i are in 2 different worlds...
Or rather many different worlds...
I dunnoe how to bridge any gap...

I miss the times when every1 were just close & together...
Now many are in their own trouble...
& what am i doing as a friend???
N O T H I N G ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Haha...
What kind of a friend are you???
I have the answer to the above question...
a T E R R I B L E one...

& being a terrible friend upsets me alot...
Some1 just told me that he feels that he's selfish, cuz he feels that he thinks of himself more than others...
Then i wonder...
How many of my friends do i put before myself...
I have no idea...
But i know i have friends around me that do that...
My close friends put me before themselves...

& what have i done for them & to them...
Nothing...
All i know is to make them worry...
& pile them with my sorrows...

& i wonder again...
Mayb w/o be ard them, they would be happier...
For there's 1 less person to worry abt...
1 person's burden to put down, for there's no more of my problems going ard...

I just want everyone to be happy...
& it makes me happy to hear that everyone is happy...
Lyk i've said before...
Wad matters to me most is pple happiness, not mine...

I am having thoughts of shutting myself up again...
getting away from everything around me...
Just do what i need to do...
& mayb in time to come...
Pple will just forget me...

Even if they dun forget me...
& eventually find me back...
Mayb they will see a different clarissa...
For good or for bad...
I dunnoe...

I just want to find back myself...
Find back M E...
Find back, my smile..
My laughter...
My happiness...
My independence..
My strength...
My happy-go-lucky attitude...
When i can just not bother pple...
But allow pple to talk to me abt their problems...

Its just not happening now...
No1 is telling me anything...
No1 is...
Oh wells...

When i look back...
I wonder if any of my friends are happy being my friends...
or rather happy to have in their life...
I have no answer to that question oso...

Seriously,
where do i stand in my friend's life,
i have absolutely no idea...
the only person i receive confirmation abt our friendship is from mathilda...
Her confirmation of our friendship means alot to me...

That's the small picture...
So on the big picture,
What do i know...
NOTHING...
So what kind of friend am i????













**What am i to do**
**Move on or find myself**
**I miss the old me**
**What am i to do**

Even though today is Friday...

Many things happen over the past few days...

Had AGM this afternoon....
It was fine...
Till a certain point that the tension was raised...
But everything was fine...
KL comp's cancelled due to political unrest in KL...
So there's a Johor comp...
Can't compete...
But think can go & support...
Go for 1 night & be back the next...
Hope mummy allow me to follow...
Its after my exams anyway...

Love me, Love me not...
Saturday just wasn't the day...
No food for a good 24 hours...
1st meal of the day is at 0030 of a sunday...
Fullerton Hotel's ladies became an area where i can sob & tear alone...
A day filled with tears, nothing but tears...

I'm scared..
I'm scared to be alone...
I'm scared i can't find another that love me that much...
I'm scared i can't find another that will be so nice to me...
I'm just scared...

What if no one wants me...
Wad wld i do...
He walk me through my toughest times...
He walk me through practically everything...

When everything's good, naturally its good...
But there are bad times too...

I live on hopes that he gives to me...
Tt's wad pushing me on...
I believe 1 day things will be better...
But i dunnoe when that 1 day will be...

I'm scared that saturday will repeat itself...
I'm scared that 1 day he'll live me...
I'm scared that i'll lost him & our friendship...
I let him into my life...
But i dunnoe if 1 day he'll just leave & walk out of my life...
He's become just a friend & support...
Wad will happen when he leaves...













**Can i let him go the next time such a thing happened**
**Am i willing too**
**Will i be alone**
**Will i not**
**Does he love me or does he not**

Exams are round the corner...
I have been studying the past 2 days...
Saturday alone at the library, last night when i came home till 3am in the morning & today...
I feel the pressure for the upcoming common tests & exams...

I dun wanna whatever happen on the day of POA ICA1...
I dun wanna leave the exam venue & break down on the phone with mummy...
Haiz...
Oh wells...
Wad can i do...
Just have to study harder...

I really dunnoe the direction of my relationship with Brian...
I feel that there's no more communication...
Its just seperate individuals...
From what i'm seeing, i realise there isn't a day where we dun have a quarrel...
Pple tell me to talk to him abt this...
I did..
But what happens???
After going through so much, i've finally found a source to vent my irritation or frustration when it happens...
-Which is a good thing for me-
Our 16th Month just went by...
We seem distant & i dunnoe how to reduce the distance apart...
We're spending lesser & lesser time together...
He dun call me with initiative anymore...
Haiz...
Oh wells...
Nvm abt him not knowing how to humour me...
There's lesser & lesser concern shown...
He doesn't even know when i'm joking & when i'm serious...
We dun have any plans for anymore weekends...
We just dun have anything anymore...
Tt's what i feel...
Just becuz i never reply, cuz i was busy...
He msg me saying that he know i;ve given up hope abt the relationship & he wishes me happiness...
Tt's what he thinks of 1 day of not replying his msges...
He's alw jumping to conclusion recently...
Guessed he's forgetten that's what i hate..
i dunnoe what to do anymore...
Or what to say...
what's wrong, i soo dunnoe...
Is there something i can do to save us, i oso dunnoe...













**I haven't gave up on us**
**What does he want**
**I really dunnoe**
**What is happenin**
**I oso dunnoe**

So there we go again...
Another time of not having any plans for the day...
Hate it...
totally hate not knowing what's gg on tmr...
Esp in the evening..
Forget it...
If there's no plans, den i'll just go out & study...

Wad else can i do...
wait for a reply...
& mayb die getting angry waiting for 1...

I dun get it... why can't he just stay awake a little longer to get things planned out for me... oh wellls... my own expectations again... forget it...













**I'm just ranting**
**He mayb wldn't even know**
**Being nice brings you no where**
**Haiz... What am i to do**

Was thinking abt daddy today...
Was wondering how would things be lyk if he was still around...
Was listening to 'Dance with my Father'...
Had lots of thoughts...

Missed my IJ times...
Missed the times when i get ferryed up & down by daddy...
Missed the times when i could still be a princess & not worry abt growing up quickly & abt my future...
Missed the times when daddy called me his troubled princess & i can just have a heart to heart talk with him & he'll listen lyk a best friend...
Missed his sensitivity when i try to hide my fears & sadness so that both him & mummy wun be worried...
Missed when he can just see through my surface expression & read what's going through my mind & my emotions...
Missed his encouragement & his positive reinforcements...

Now everything is different...
When i'm down & at my lowest no1 knows...
I've been fooling every1 with a smile on my face & no1 actually knows what's really inside...
Only a number of pple bother to look within...
I miss the times when I can sit with Mat & the girls & have a heart to heart chat...
Miss when they know that i'm upset & they bother to comfort...
Miss when they know how i feel without them asking me are you okie...

Now when i'm all alone @ night & no one knows how i feel...
I feel that i've taken for granted the closest friends i have beside me...

Mummy use to tell me before that there was once that she lost her feeling of security with daddy...
I didn't reallyunderstand what she mean...
but now i do...
My insecurity abt everything is getting me no where...
Esp in a r/s...
I wonder if this security can be built back...
there isn't a visble future when your security is lost -according to mummy-
am i feeling that now...













**Daddy i miss you**
**I'm sorry for taking everyone ard me for granted**
**Sorry Mat & Daryl**
**You're my 2 closest friends**
**I guess i've really taken you guys for granted**

Received an email from my MATHILDA!!!!!!!
So happy... =)
very long never hear from her cuz she's the busy bee..

Injured my knee on sunday...
Went to see a chinese physician on Monday...
Suffered terrible pain at the doctor...
But now i'm feeling much better...
There's lyk brusises on my knee...
Part of me was super glad that i didn't danced on sat...
If not i dunnoe how my knee would become...

Talking abt Saturday...
It was lyk NATIONALS...
Was super excited abt the Grade A & its results...
Just very glad that the finalist of Grade A did very well...
It was a true competition...
Super happy for Emi & JJ & Chong Aik & Riane
Rather i felt that everyone did their best...
very glad for Mahen & pin & Faiz & pauline...
Glad you guys did well in your events...

After Nationals,
Went for dinner with the Grade A & Brian...
Had quite a chat & laughter too...
Reached home at lyk 1+am...
Was dead by the time i was home...

Anyway...
13 July is SGDF's AGM...
Guess i'll be going..
Not very sure yet...

Had yet another conflict with Brian... -I'm seriously wondering when this will stop-
Its a confusing conflict... I dunnoe if wadever i'm doing is right or wrong... First he says that i never give him his freedom to meet his friends... Den when i asked him to go meet his friends & spend time with his friends, he gave me a wierd reply... & he asked me if i'm sure to let him go meet his friends & dun meet me... I'm confused... I really dunnoe if wadever i'm doing is right or wrong...






**Everything is so unpredictable**
**Dunnoe when will the sun shine again**
**The rain is getting heavier**
**I hope it stops soon**

dancesport
twenty

alison

cheryl-dance

chong aik-SGDF

daryl

deborah

jasmine-dance

jen jen

li juan

lina-dance

liz

lynn

mathilda

marc

melissa

melody

sarah-marie

SGDF [Singapore Dancesport federation]

shaina

sheng hong

S&G [Shawn & Gladys Dance World]

sofya

::your words::

credits

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